Valentine’s Day is here. All over the world couples will be celebrating the day of Love. They will be enjoying each other’s company, probably drinking expensive champagne and eating a delicious dinner while their eyes say what their mouths cannot -and should not, because they are eating, and speaking with your mouth full of food is not romantic-. Obviously, once they have finished their mousses, they will give each other a present that is something unique and personal (which they bought near the register in a supermarket on their way from work). After that, they will move on to their comfortable chaise longue -in which their Siamese cat and their Labrador had been previously sleeping-, cover themselves under a blanket of love -and cashmere- and open a heart-shaped box of bonbons while the warmth of the fireplace surrounds them.

After this sweet soiree of seduction and smiles, how can things be improved? There will be people who might think that what happens after will take a more horizontal approach in which bees and birds can freely fly and do whatever bees and birds do together. However, what about those in the mood for a more romantic love that does not involve flying creatures? And what about those who need more time to digest all the dinner and the bonbons? What can they do?

There is no need to wash the dishes, as that is not romantic, and it will be taken care of by Cupid himself in what can be described as the greatest sacrifice anybody can do. Talking is another possibility, but there is a chance of running out of things to say after a couple of minutes, so what about watching a film?

Films like Pretty Woman, The Princess Bride, When Harry Met Sally, Titanic, Casablanca, Call Me by Your Name or Four Weddings and A Funeral are only some that can quickly come to mind. Supernova, Phantom Thread or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, are also fantastic choices if you want something less obvious. However, high are the chances that either you or your partner are familiar with most of them, so what to do then?

I know this is an issue as serious as anything we might watch on the news at any time. Forget wars, viruses or corrupt politicians, Valentine’s Day is the only day of the year we dedicate to love -because the rest of the days we are busy with celebrations like Measure your feet day on January 23^rd or Plan your epitaph day on April 6^th-. People everywhere feel immense pressure to see the perfect romantic film. But do not suffer anymore, because none other than the Hallmark Channel has appeared to put an end to such a terrible First-World conundrum.

Clearly in tune with the problems of every man and woman on the face of this Earth, the Hallmark Channel has created what is known as Loveuary. Behind this clever portmanteau -made with the combination of “Love” and “February”, as Feblove was considered to be not clear enough- we find a special programming of only romantic films made by the Hallmark Channel, as it should be. This ingenious solution brings us the film which all of you have already guessed -or at least those who have read the title of the review-, Butlers in Love.

Directed by David Weaver, a man who has made 11 films since 2019 -either because Covid-19 is no match for him, or because he has been trapped inside a studio with a bunch of actors and some props-, Butlers in Love is not a romantic film telling the story of how Gerard Butler’s parents met, fell in love and created the action hero with a voice that resembles some rocks falling down a cliff.

Butlers in Love -a self-explanatory title I cannot seem to get tired of repeating- is a love story between two butlers-to-be, a woman played by Stacey Farber -an actress with the charisma of a paper bag- and a man played by Corey Cott -whose attributes are that he has great hair and a disarming smile which could be used to stop wars-.

She is Emma, a woman with dreams of becoming a butler to make life better for those poor souls who represent the one percent. Her job as a waitress does not make her happy, and the relationship with her mother seems to be deteriorating, as they only speak in exposition. But everything changes when she discovers that she has been accepted in The Butler Academy -again, sadly, no relation to Gerard-, a place that only exists in stock footage, where we immediately find out that, although she takes her job too seriously, she is as clumsy as a hedgehog trying to operate a forklift. After her meet-cute with Henry ends up with broken dishes and hopeful hearts, his laid-back attitude clashes with her serious approach to work, life, and, of course, love.

Clearly this is not based on true events.   

Soon, it will not matter if they will or will not end up becoming fully fledged butlers – or finding love for that matter, as they are eclipsed by the pomposity of Mr. Willoughby, the man responsible of teaching them what is necessary to be a butler, a man whose image should illustrate the definition of stiff-upper lip. Maxwell Caulfield -famous mainly for that thing known as Grease 2– gives it all to the performance of someone so dedicated to his job that has his own name is Mr; a man who does not allow mistakes, especially those like missing a cufflink, or placing a fork too close to another fork, which is intolerable. Professional he is, a bit of a psychopath too.

In what might be a surprise to none, Henry and Emma end up together, but actually it does not matter, as after spending 1 hour and 24 minutes of your life -which I can guarantee will feel like 3 years in a Turkish prison- you will not be interested by that, as it was clear from the beginning. What has to be said is that -and this might surprise nobody- this film is not a good film.

Do not watch this film if you want to learn about the process of being a butler, as I found the information presented in the classes to be too elementary for those who want to serve soup to the Queen of England. Do not watch this film if you have eyes and ears that work – even if they only do so partially. Do not watch this film if you want to see a romantic film filled with passion and chemistry between the protagonists.

Watch this film if you have lost the remote and cannot change the channel. Watch this film if you are too lazy to get up and switch off the television and talk to your partner about your life choices. Watch this film if you have said something wrong to your loved one and want them to forget it, as Butlers in Love is the film equivalent of repeatedly hitting your head with a brick.

Love with all your heart, liver or left lung, but do not celebrate it only today. Enjoy the most with the one you love, be merry, cherish each other and please watch Pretty Woman, Portrait of a Lady on Fire, Sleepless in Seattle or The Texas Chain Saw Massacre -whatever floats your boat-. And if you are single -either by your choice or by someone else’s-, do not despair. There is always hope, and there are more people with whom you can spend your days watching better films than Butlers in Love.