Have you ever thought that the Moon could fall down and destroy Earth? Have you ever wanted to see a film in which a group of mismatched astronauts are the last chance to save earth from an impending disaster? No, I am not talking about Armageddon. Are you excited for a new film from Roland Emmerich?

Probably the answer to all of those questions might be no, but Emmerich will not take no for an answer, as he is not a man who gives up easily. Having tried to destroy Earth with aliens –Independence Day and its pointless sequel Independence Day: Resurgence-, climate change –The Day After Tomorrow-, a giant lizard with a fondness for fish –Godzilla-, a flimsy theory based on ancient calendars –2012-, Mel Gibson –The Patriot- , and the general atrociousness of 10,000 BC, Emmerich returns with Moonfall, a film about… well… I guess the title kind of gives it all away.

Nevertheless, to stop those expecting to see a sequel to the fantastic Bond film Skyfall, and also help those who may not understand the meaning behind such a criptic title, Moonfall is a film in which the Moon is about to fall onto Earth.

Having dealt with the highly complicated plot right away, I hope nobody was keeping their hopes up, as Emmerich’s latest film continues his streak of stinkers, being a disaster film that manages to be breathtakingly dumb and hypnotically humdrum in equal measure. While it can be said that audiences have been numbed by countless real-life catastrophes -from global pandemics, volcanoes and floods to Trump’s presidency-, there is nothing in Moonfall that is shocking or worth remembering.

It is not that the plot is ridiculous -which indeed it is-, the fact of the matter is that Moonfall is such a perfunctorily made film that feels almost painful to see -especially when talented actors like Patrick Wilson or Halle Berry move from scene to scene with a look on their faces that says “I’m sorry, but I needed a new house” to the audience. Do not come here trying to see something new, as any new idea has been replaced by clichés older than the woolly mamooths from 10,000 BC. There are step-fathers, bad bureaucrats, conspiracy theorists who turn out to be right, opportunities for redemption and sacrifice, popular landmarks being destroyed by bad CGI (surely the, erm, unknown landmarks will remain safe)… In other words, if you have seen any of Emmerich’s films, you will know how his latest ode to destruction will end before the projection starts.

It is almost a lost opportunity to see that a film wastes a plot as preposterous as the one in Moonfall -which seems to have been inspired by a converstation with an overexcited child with an unreasonable hatred towards Alexa and an insane number of replicas of spaceships-. The film never manages to be compelling, being more focused on putting the meh in memorable to such an extent that I struggled to pay attention even after an evil Etch-A-Sketch monster appeared out of nowhere in the Moon -which by the way interrupted my thoughts that perhaps films like this are the reason why Trump created Space Force (the real space service branch of the US and not Steve Carell’s Netflix sitcom)-.

However, I believe that not even the appearance of any Transformer -like Truckatron, Thunderprop, Gigaplonk or Megadump- could have had an impact on this film. It is a soulless piece of asinine entertainment that fails to entertain, not feeling neither grandeur nor remarkable. It feels as if it has had all its energy sucked out of it, being completely devoid of the passion and the appetite for destruction that Emmerich demonstrated in some of his earlier films. If people still remember the images of White House being annihilated by aliens in Independence Day, I am sure nobody will remember the scenes in which our heroes in their spaceship enter through a tunnel to the centre of the Moon. Or perhaps they will remember, once they have to have a colonoscopy done.

Moonfall feels like the greatest hits of the worst moments of Emmerich’s filmography. It is a monumental disaster that has also wasted hours in the life of all the actors, crew and viewers. Hours that nobody is going to get back and which could have been used for more important things, like making a copy of the Eiffel Tower out of matchsticks or thinking about penguins.

Perhaps, the biggest mistake in Moonfall -aside from the bad acting, ridiculous plot, bad CGI, unoriginality, lack of passion and wasting an appearance of the great Donald Sutherland- can be that it takes itself too seriously. Had it been a pop-corn film destined to have over the top moments of mindless destruction combined with some moments of levity and self-awareness, it might have be even slightly fun to watch. Instead, it is too long-faced to be entertaining, which as a result avoids the surprise to see that it has lost the first position in the Box Office to Jackass Forever.

The fact that Moonfall has not reached the top at the Box Office is proof of how uninterested audiences feel about this kind of films (and also evidences that all of us knew it was a stinker from a mile away). However, it appears that no lesson is going to be learnt here, as if you manage to stick to the end of the film you will discover that they are corageous enough to tease a sequel. Hopefully, that idea will disappear from their minds after being beaten in the Box Office by a compilation of clips from Johnny Knoxville and his gang being intentionally and repeatedly attacked by animals, falling flat on their faces, getting covered in faeces -and other fluids- and being hit on their nether regions. If only we lived in a better world.